Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I've decided to be fat for a while
Yes, I'm saying it out loud. I've been gaining weight steadily since our trip to Europe. Control of the situation has slipped from my grasp. I've been struggling with it for a while. I'll start dieting on Monday and last a couple of days and then something throws me off.

I know what I'm doing is self-destructive. It's not good for me, it's not good for my health. It sets a poor example for Emma and it makes me feel bad every day. I feel like I owe everyone an apology around me for gaining weight. Isn't that weird? It's my struggle, but I feel like I'm failing you. I'm an extraordinarily empathetic person; it's my curse.

Still, I eat. My behaviors would be classic signs of an addiction. I'm not going to detail them for you because I can only stand so much soul-baring at one time. Eating makes me happy in the short term. I love food, what can I do? I can't quit it cold turkey.

I'm not a martyr or a masochist so I'm not going to start a diet right before the holidays. The best I can do it try to eat some healthy food while I'm being ornery.

I will get control of the situation again, I always do. But my mind has to "click" before I can change my ways again. It's a definite mind-set I'm able to achieve when I'm finally ready. It's just that getting to that ready-point can't be forced.

I don't know. Feh.

Why this disclosure now? I'm tired of hiding from you in pictures. I may be meeting one or two of you soon and I don't want you to fall over in shock when you see me. Or worse yet, think that I've been misrepresenting myself. Yes, I know you're not my high school reunion, but it's that empathy thing again. Damn it all.

Please don't think less of me for being fatter. I'm still me.
Written at 10:20 PM by Highlandgal.
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