Yes, I'm saying it out loud. I've been gaining weight steadily since our trip to Europe. Control of the situation has slipped from my grasp. I've been struggling with it for a while. I'll start dieting on Monday and last a couple of days and then something throws me off.
I know what I'm doing is self-destructive. It's not good for me, it's not good for my health. It sets a poor example for Emma and it makes me feel bad every day. I feel like I owe everyone an apology around me for gaining weight. Isn't that weird? It's my struggle, but I feel like I'm failing you. I'm an extraordinarily empathetic person; it's my curse.
Still, I eat. My behaviors would be classic signs of an addiction. I'm not going to detail them for you because I can only stand so much soul-baring at one time. Eating makes me happy in the short term. I love food, what can I do? I can't quit it cold turkey.
I'm not a martyr or a masochist so I'm not going to start a diet right before the holidays. The best I can do it try to eat some healthy food while I'm being ornery.
I will get control of the situation again, I always do. But my mind has to "click" before I can change my ways again. It's a definite mind-set I'm able to achieve when I'm finally ready. It's just that getting to that ready-point can't be forced.
I don't know. Feh.
Why this disclosure now? I'm tired of hiding from you in pictures. I may be meeting one or two of you soon and I don't want you to fall over in shock when you see me. Or worse yet, think that I've been misrepresenting myself. Yes, I know you're not my high school reunion, but it's that empathy thing again. Damn it all.
Please don't think less of me for being fatter. I'm still me.