Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Beware the Ides of March...
Don was being summoned to juvenile and domestic relations court for failing to pay child support. Of course he wasn’t paying it, he was hardly paying for his own support. Jail was a real possibility. The whole situation sucked so badly. Thankfully his parents offered to pay for a lawyer for him. I remember before we went to court we had to write down our monthly budget so the judge could determine Don’s ability to pay. It was a joke. We weren’t making enough a month to pay all our bills, much less send someone else money. Nevertheless it was all a very serious matter. When Don went before the judge I was at his side. The judge chastised him mightily and the opposing attorney made a strong case against Don. The judge asked me about being a student at W&M. I told him it was true. I could clearly see the thought bubble above his head, “What the hell is she doing with this joker?” In the end Don was ordered to pay $70 a week toward child support. He even got a payment booklet. But he didn’t get jail. All my fearful fantasies about being a jail house bride were placed aside gratefully.

Sometime in February Don announced that he was quitting the auto dealership and going to work for the father of one of his co-workers doing landscaping. He would be making more money and be able to get overtime. He also wanted to buy a car from the same co-worker for $300. We were to do it in installments of $100. Don was working so I didn’t object. We picked up the car and Don started his new job.

By then I was seriously regretting ever having moved back in. The one thing that had always been good between us, the sex, was no longer good. I think my body was trying to get my heart and brain to wake the hell up pay attention to what was going on around me. I was falling out of love with Don, finally, and I was starting to resent him.

I can remember the pivotal day clearly. Meredith was supposed to come over and help with the scrapbook for our year in Circle K. We were getting it ready for the spring convention. I had been expecting her to call and confirm the time and she never did. Don was at work and I’d been home all day and was waiting for her call. Meredith showed up at the time we had planned earlier and we got to work. She said she’d been calling all day and no one answered. I picked up the phone and checked; no dial tone. I picked the phone up from the wall. It had been disconnected at the wall. I plugged it back in. A little while later there was a knock at the door. It was the co-worker who Don was supposed to be landscaping with. He had come to take back his car. Don had never given him the payments I had given Don. I gave the man his keys, no question. I knew he was telling me the truth. He also told me that Don quit with his dad after only a couple days. This again.

Don had some bullshit excuse about how he was doing all the grunt work while someone else stood around and bitched at him. Whatever. I was done. The love was gone. No mourning this time.

For the first time in my college career I went to psyche services on campus. I sat down for my appointment and poured it all out. The counselor listened. Finally he said, “I have never ever told anyone to leave a relationship, but I am telling you now, if you don’t get out he will continue to use you and he may harm you physically.” He went on to tell me that I was describing a sociopath and that there was nothing I could do to help him. As long as I was around he would use me. He would use anyone who would let him.

I walked out of that office and found a phone. I called Mom and asked her to please come pick me up. I told her what the counselor had said and swore I was truly done. Then I went and sat on a park bench and cried. It was March 15, the Ides of March. It was also Noni and Popi’s anniversary. Noni called Popi and Popi dropped his work and came to get me. I went back to the apartment and Don was there. I packed my stuff and told him I was leaving. He tried to talk me into staying, but I was resolute. He told me that he pitied me because I was so cold. I was only cold to him. There was no way I was going to let him get to me. He panicked. He lashed out at me. He got physical. He didn’t really hurt me, but it was a glimpse of what I was glad to be leaving. As determined as I was to be out of there, I was still tenderhearted enough to give him some money so he wouldn’t be completely broke. When Popi arrived I walked out the door.

I went home and tried to figure out how I was going to proceed. I needed another job, a real job. I needed a place to stay. In the short term I was going to bunk in with my high school friend (B.) out at Dillard. She had her own room and allowed me to stay with her temporarily. I was only with her a few days. Don decided that he was going to go home to his parents. I could have the apartment back, but I’d have to support it all by myself. I was overwhelmed but it was one of those moments in life where you do what you have to do.

I moved back into my apartment. Since Don had had the full weekend there by himself he had cleaned out everything he wanted. He took anything that he had ever given me, anything that he knew was meaningful for me, and he screwed me over in many subtle ways that would reveal themselves over time. First, my winter coat was gone. My boots were gone, and my gloves. All the college textbooks that were in the house, gone. It was only mid-semester. I had no car. He took the television, which was his to begin with, but it further cut me off from the world. Days later an overwhelming ammonia smell in my kitchen belied the fact that he had poisoned my plant. I lost jewelry and cassettes. My stereo was still there, but it didn’t work right anymore.

An aside: After I married M I still had that same stereo, even though I wasn’t using it. I think I’d kept it because the radio still worked. I was going to throw it away but M wanted to open it up and see if he could fix it. He popped it open and said, “Here’s your problem right here.” Inside the stereo the wires had been carefully snipped. Don had snipped the wires and then put the stereo back together.

Next up, picking up the pieces.

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