Saturday, March 29, 2008
Some thoughts on the college years...
"There is a sense of the grotesque about a person who has spent his or her life in a kind of cotton batting. There is something monstrous about never having been hurt, never having been made to bleed, never having lost anything, never having gained anything because life is beautiful, and in order to keep it beautiful, you're just going to stay the way you are and you're not going to test your theory against all the possibilities outside."

- James Baldwin "The Uses of the Blues"

Looking back on my college years has been an interesting trip for me. I feel like it was a worthy endeavor because it's always been bits and pieces in my mind. It was good to set it down in narrative form.

I did it for myself and I did it for Emma. Long before I had a child I always hoped that one day my experience could be of use to me in raising my own child. I hoped that she could learn from my mistakes. Now, I will pray that my daughter has her first boyfriend in high school. That way marriage will be pretty much out of the question. She can learn about the ups and downs of "love" and hopefully her heart will be broken. That way she'll learn how to pick herself up and move on without it being a life-altering situation. I will do everything I can to help build her feelings of self-worth and I'll make sure her father does the same. I don't want her to be susceptible to any lothario with a good line.

If Emma is like me, it will be difficult. You can't tell a nineteen year-old anything. Their heads are so full of book-learning and they think they're so smart. Just because they can kick your ass at Trivial Pursuit doesn't mean they know jack-shit about life. Of course, they can't see that. Experience counts for a lot and they just don't have it. That was me. The other thing about nineteen year-olds is that they have a lot to prove. By that age they're starting out on their own, either in college or in the real world. They're notoriously selfish and self-absorbed, but they need to be, to a degree. They need to put all of their energy on becoming an adult and making their way in the cold cruel world. I don't fault young adults too much when they think they have all the answers, it's that idealism that propels them. It takes age and experience to realize how much you really don't know.

You may wonder, after my series, how I could have put up with Don's antics for so long. What did I ever see in him? Well, he loved me, or he said he did. From him I got hugs, kisses and attention that were voluntary, not obligatory because he was family. He was with me of his own free will. I mentioned the physical chemistry. He knew how to tell me what I needed to hear. One thing about sociopaths, they can be very charming when they want to be. They have a good sense of how to manipulate people. I was ripe for manipulation. I always felt profoundly unlovable and still struggle with it to this day. You know what Groucho Marx said, "I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member." That was me then, and it sometimes plagues me still.

The quote at the beginning of this post is from a reading assignment in one of my college English classes. Out of the whole essay, those lines spoke to me. I've always remembered them. Now that I've told my tale I think that you will agree that I've earned my right to sing the blues.

Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me in the retelling. Since the "series" was more of a brain dump I probably left some loose ends. If you have any questions I'll be glad to answer them in another post. Just post your questions in the comments.

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Written at 6:14 PM by Highlandgal.
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