The weekend I went to Don’s parent’s house turned my life upside down. Not only did I upset my parents, but I discovered that Don had been lying to me. He was out doing some chores and I spent some time that afternoon talking to his mom. While we were idly chatting she made a comment about how glad she was that Don and I were together and that she was happy to see him happy again. She said that the divorce had nearly destroyed him. She went on to say that his wife had done horrible things like fake asthma attacks so he’d be pulled in off of his ship and sent home, she degraded him and his upbringing, and she ended up sleeping around. She only wanted him for his dependent’s check. Don was still having to fend off her phone calls.

What in the hell? His wife wasn’t dead? He’s divorced? She still talks to him??? I could have died right there. I played it cool and didn’t freak out right in front of Don’s mom. But I was dying inside. One of the very premises of who this man was turned out to be a total lie. That nice couple at the printing company had only told me what they’d been told. I couldn’t believe it. I confronted him that night. He explained he didn’t think it mattered what he told people at work, it was none of their business. He was afraid to tell me the truth because he was afraid I wouldn’t like him anymore. He had a way of arguing circles around me so I ended up so confused that I couldn’t even explain what he said. But he was sorry, and he hoped I wouldn’t leave him. I went back to school with a lot to think about, and with my parents sore at me.

In the following weeks Don and I cooled off a bit. Not much in the way of phone calls or letters. His brother and sister-and-law were moving to Okinawa so he was helping them get ready to go. On my end, I was missing him a lot, but still contemplating whether to bag the whole thing. Plus, I had exams to study for. Academically I was doing just fine. I don’t think I dropped below a 3.0 at any point in college. I took college seriously. I wasn’t there to party, but to get my degree and move on.

I shared some celebrations with my friends before we parted for the holidays. Kristie gave me what remains today one of my favorite gifts ever. She bought me a Lamont tartan scarf I’d been eyeing in a Williamsburg shop for a year and a half. I still have it and still take great care of it.

When the semester ended I was so happy to go home for Christmas. My family has many fun and long-standing Christmas traditions and I was looking forward to family time. I was also looking forward to seeing Don. I missed him and I was anxious over where things stood between us.

During our break after that weekend a change had come over him. He later said he decided that I was worth the effort and he wanted to keep me. He started treating me much better. He was always on time and he made a special effort to be nice to my family. But, do you want to hear something awful? I was always anxious and paranoid to bring him around my family for too long because I was afraid he’d say something really stupid or awful. Even then I acknowledged to myself that it was no fun dating someone you couldn’t tell jokes to because then you’d have to explain them.

Suddenly Don was talking about us in the long term, throwing around the word “marry” and talking about big plans. I was pretty overwhelmed by it all. He started to be much clingier. I wrote in my journal many times that I was almost afraid to break up with him because I feared what he might do to himself. That’s the kind of crazy he was talking.

I had a very nice holiday with my family. I also got to see many of my best high school friends over the holiday. It was a very positive break. After New Year’s I was chomping at the bit to get back to school. Those last few days at home I saw Don every day. When I went back to school we were tight again and had a plans to always be together in the vaguely distant future.

Second semester I made much more effort to do things with my friends. I attended Circle K meetings regularly and got more involved in activities. I continued to love my job and to take advantage of the extra money-making opportunities that came my way. I was a model employee.

As the semester wore on the relationship with Don began to slip again. There were two crisis moments. The first was when I lost some money. One time back in the fall I’d come up short $50. Then closer to Christmas I lost $10. Earning as little as I did in those days, every dollar counted. In this case I had $40 lying out on my desk waiting to be mailed to mom and dad to pay my phone bill. I tend to be too trusting in these matters and I obviously should have put the money away somewhere. I trusted Kristie implicitly and was therefore a bit lax. I discovered my money missing after one of Don’s visits. At first I was just sure someone from my hall had taken it. Then, it slowly began to dawn on me…was it possible that it was Don? That really sent me reeling. I can clearly remember that night, lying there in bed in a panic just thinking about the possibility that he could be the one doing this to me. Just think of all the implications of that kind of behavior. I asked him about the missing money and he denied any knowledge of it. By sheer force of will I was able to stifle my doubts. Rose-colored glasses, indeed.

The second incident was when Don and I went to my grandparent’s house in Alexandria so we could take them to my cousin’s wedding. It was a very stressful day for me. Don and I had been in a car crash the night before. A woman ran into us at full speed (in a 40 mph zone) while we were waiting for someone in front of us to turn. We were OK, but had to borrow a car to make it to Alexandria. On the trip to the wedding I was the designated driver and had both of my grandparents, and my great aunt, backseat driving at once. This was while driving in the DC area. It was not a happy day for me or Don. He was actually the one keeping me calm. Then at the reception Don took on a sour mood. He refused to dance with me. I’ll tell you, I looked awesome that day and I honestly deserved to dance. We were at the table with the bride’s father and he kept goading us, he cracked we were keeping him in stitches. He persisted in trying to get Don to dance with me. Finally he asked me dance himself. We moved onto the dance floor and started dancing and then he motioned for Don to come cut in. Don stood up, and walked out of the building. I wished for a swift and painless death at that moment.

But, everyone has their asshole moments so I excused him. In my (weak) defense, I was in love. We had a sick relationship based on not much but neither of us could stop it. We kept barreling right on down the track to disaster.

To be continued…

Click here if you want to see our picture on the day of my cousin's wedding. I think he was wearing his Dad's coat.

Labels: college years