Don had a son. Naturally his mom assumed I knew all this. It was relevant because Don was being pursued for child support. He never saw the child, not once during the time that I knew him. Kathy and their son lived in Oregon, according to Don’s mom. To tell you the truth, I cannot actually recollect what Don said when I hit him with my knowledge of that revelation. I suspect it was more “I didn’t want to lose you, I was afraid you wouldn’t want me…blah, blah, blah.” He was supposed to start voluntarily sending a weekly amount for child support. That’s all I knew.

Still, the wedding went on as planned. You’re probably asking yourself; why in the hell did she marry this man???

Sigh. I was young, naïve, headstrong, and quite anxious to get on with real life. My heart still wanted to see the best in Don. He was just sure that if he could move away from his parent’s house then his life would be so much better. I was optimistic too. I honestly hoped we could put the bad stuff behind us and start fresh. I was also trapped in a web of my own making. I had signed on to federal loans, gotten federal grants, and notified my college that I would not be taking student housing. I had a wedding only two weeks away. I’d already had a wedding shower. So many plans had been made and so much was already done. I was simply not a strong enough person to call it all to a halt. I was in it to the bitter end.

Don’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner at the college where Don’s dad worked. Afterward we all went to my church and did a run through of the ceremony. I had four bridesmaids and he had four groomsmen. Don’s father was also an ordained pastor so he was to marry us. My mom’s friend was the wedding director. The rehearsal went smoothly. Don drove me back to my house afterward. Near my parents house there’s a long hill down the middle of a golf course. As we were driving down the hill the truck careened off the road into the golf course. We tipped over precariously in the truck but didn’t actually roll over. It scared the shit out of me. We were able to drive back onto the road and made it home. At the time I thought it was an accident. Looking back, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.

The wedding went off nicely. My dress was beautiful and my bridesmaids all looked good. My matron of honor was my best friend from high school. I had two other good high school friends and one of Don's sister as the other bridesmaids. Many of my college friends came to the wedding. Meredith had another friend getting married the same day so she couldn’t make it. Mike, Ms. India and another friend Mitch were all there. Much later Mike told me that on the drive to the wedding they discussed it and concluded that they gave the marriage a year at best. Friends from high school were there. We pretty nearly filled the church. We had a lovely reception in an adjoining area. My Aunt Patty made a beautiful wedding cake and her husband catered the reception. They did an outstanding job. I had a wonderful time at the event, smiled the whole time. Don was really into it too. He made people giggle with his big kiss at the end of the ceremony. He hugged me tight and kept me close during the reception. Noni and Popi gave us a very lovely wedding.

We went to their house afterward to open presents. We received lots of useful things which were helpful since we were setting up a new household. After we partied at the house for a while we headed off for our honeymoon. Don was in charge of the honeymoon and we went…nowhere. He hadn’t planned anything. I kept hoping that he had a surprise up his sleeve. He did, just not a good one. We headed to his parent’s house and called and booked a room in a local hotel for the weekend. Yippee. On the other hand, being honeymooners, we didn’t require a lot of entertainment anyway.

After a couple of nights we came home. We packed the truck and got ready to move to Williamsburg. We hit one last hitch on the way out of town. When I went to withdraw all the money I’d been saving the bank wouldn’t let me have it. It had something to do with me being 19 years old. Noni and Popi had set up the account when I was small and there was some restriction on it. I was completely humiliated and angry. I was a newlywed and I’d earned all that damned money and now I had to have my mommy take it out for me. Life was full of humiliations back then.

We moved in to our apartment and set up. We opened up a joint account with my little nest egg and I set up a separate account for me with the money to pay back my promissory note. The first two weeks of our marriage were bliss. Don was completely into it. He was great husband, for two weeks. Then school started and he started to work. He used his Navy firefighting skills to get a job with an airport fire crew. It was difficult to manage because we didn’t have a phone. We couldn’t afford one. The result is that we were isolated from everyone. Mom would call me at work if she needed me. Or I’d call her from campus. Don would drop me off early on campus and then take the car to work. I’d have to hang out on campus till he got off work. I had classes and my library job to keep me busy.

Junior year began and I had a full slate of 15 hours. My friends were making their way back to town and would stop by to see us. Even though they tended to have bad timing (wink, wink) I was glad to see them, but Don gave them a cool welcome. Nice. One time, my high school friend and her boyfriend stopped by. I greeted them in the living room, chatted with them for a while, and waited for Don to come say “Hi.” After a good long while I went back to the bedroom to chastise him and tell him to come in and be decent. He wasn’t there. He had climbed out the bedroom window and disappeared. Unbelievable.

A couple of weeks after our routine was in full swing I began to worry that no paychecks were forthcoming from Don’s job. He said that he wasn’t getting paid for the training until he passed his test. Even so, it seemed like it had been long enough. One day Don was late picking me up from campus. My boss was still in the office so I used the phone to call Don at work to see if he’d been held up. “There’s no one working here by that name.” What? My boss drove me home. I found Don asleep in bed. He’d been pretending to go to work. He’d drop me off in the mornings early and pick me up late and come home in between. Or drive around, or whatever the hell. I couldn’t believe it. This was serious stuff. We needed the money. Here I was going to school, working, and studying my ass off and he was doing absolutely nothing.

He promised to get a job. A week later he found one at Ferguson, a hardware place. Then things got much worse. I found out that our joint checking account was almost completely wiped out. To this day I have no idea what he did with all that money. I went to the bank in a panic. My boss’s boss drove me. She was the one who had cautioned me not to get married while still in school, bless her heart. I wasn’t desperate yet because I knew I still had my separate account to pay the promissory note and I could use some of that money to save us. It turned out he had wiped out that account too. His name wasn’t even on that account. I can only assume he forged my signature.

I figured we weren’t going to go under yet because I had a paycheck coming and he would be getting one from his new job soon. We were able to get by, but that was when I was forced to buy groceries on $10 a week. That time I think Noni bailed us out with $250. We had hardly any money for a while.

Our home life sucked, we couldn’t afford to go anywhere. I didn’t trust him anymore. My friends weren’t coming around anymore. I was isolated and alone. He’d watch TV, wander off into the woods adjoining the apartment property, and work on scale models. His truck had been taken away by his parents. He’d stop payments on it long ago and they had co-signed for it. They kept it and gave him a beater to drive. At least we had something.

It went on like this a little while longer until I discovered that he wasn’t working at Ferguson either. He was lying about working, again. I didn’t know what to do. I had taken my vows seriously when I’d made them. But I was the only one working on the marriage. Not only was he not working on it, he was actively tearing it down. I agonized over what to do. I decided to leave. As hard as I was working to save the marriage, he was working to destroy it. It was a no win situation. I told him I was leaving. His parents came barreling down to Williamsburg to counsel us and try to get me to stay. We talked and talked. I ended up staying.

His next job was at a Pawn Shop. Except, of course, it wasn't. He actually pulled the same shit a third time. This time I didn't say a word to him. I called my parents and asked them to come get me. I was moving out. Noni and Popi planned to bring down a box truck from the company. When my grandparents, who were now living in the same town as Noni and Popi, heard what was going on, they said they were coming too. Bea Bea told Mom that she wasn't going to let her go through that alone.

I can't remember exactly how it was that Don was out of the apartment the day they came. Probably he was faking being at work and I doubled back home after he dropped me off at school. We packed up all my essential items and left. As we were pulling out of the apartment property Don was pulling in. He saw me in the front of the box truck leaving and his eyes got as wide as saucers. I burst into tears. I cried the whole weekend. I mourned. I was in literal physical agony, the torment and frustration of a year of emotions pouring out of me. Noni and Popi were able to arrange for me to get housing back on campus. A small miracle occurred. Kristie had never been assigned a replacement roommate so I was able to move in with her, in the room we had originially chosen together. Don stayed in the apartment. He said he was going to get a job and win me back.

If only I’d stayed away from him…

Labels: college years